Los Angeles Rams Trade Gateway Arch for Titans’ Top Overall Pick

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Construction crews will begin disassembling the Arch later this summer after the 2016 NFL Draft concludes.

LOS ANGELES, CA – As if relocating to sunny Los Angeles wasn’t enough, the Cali bound Rams added insult to injury Thursday morning when they struck a deal with the Tennessee Titans for the #1 overall pick in the 2016 NFL draft. The predraft trade has the Rams sending the iconic St. Louis Gateway Arch, the city’s most well-recognized structure and only famous symbol, to Nashville in exchange for Tennessee’s first overall pick, their 2016 fourth-round pick, and their 2016 sixth-round pick.

Football experts from around the league have already begun to laud the deal, calling it a ‘win-win’ for both franchises.

ESPN’s Mel Kiper and Todd McShay are currently projecting the Los Angeles Rams to select Cal QB Jared Goff, a prospect who’s been rocketing up many teams’ draft boards ever since NFL GMs had their annual realization that QB play greatly affects a team’s win/loss record.

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Cal QB Jared Goff is rumored to be the top pick in this year’s draft.

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Texas HC Charlie Strong Bans Social Media from Locker Room

Charlie Strong has had enough.

On Wednesday, the embattled head coach of the Texas Longhorns banned the entire team from using social media while in the Texas locker room.

The bold move, which comes on the heels of an embarrassing 50-7 loss at the hands of #2 ranked TCU, was in part prompted by the actions of freshman cornerback Kris Boyd, who retweeted a fan’s transfer pitch during halftime of Saturday’s blowout loss.

TCU lit up the scoreboard to the tune of 37 first half points against a porous Texas defense.

Strong spoke briefly to the media Wednesday afternoon, an hour after tweeting out news of the team-wide ban.

Unacceptable. To be heading into the sixth week of the season sitting at 1 – 4 is just plain unacceptable!” said a visibly irate Strong.

“Guys are texting, tweeting, taking selfies during halftime. All the while we’re getting our asses handed to us! It ‘s downright unacceptable!”

When asked if any other immediate changes were on the horizon, Strong replied, “At this point in time, no.”

“The players will still be allowed to have their flatscreen TVs in their locker stalls, along with their XBox Ones. Now I understand that we need to see results on the football field, and soon, but this isn’t 1930’s Germany.”

Derrick Rose Continues Quest to Injure Every Body Part, Fractures Eyesocket

A sprained toe. A strained back. An ACL tear followed by a meniscus tear. Injuries to the ankles, hamstrings, and groin.

Yes, former NBA MVP Derrick Rose has been through quite the ringer over the past few years.

The Bulls point guard, who has made it his personal mission to injure every part of his body before he retires from basketball, suffered an orbital fracture after taking an errant elbow to the face during Tuesday’s afternoon practice.

Rose wasn’t available for comment following practice, but he did manage to tweet out the following message later that evening:

“Broken eyesocket… Check.

Another body part I can cross off the list! #thedream”

Bulls coach Fred Hoiberg, in his first year with the team, wasn’t nearly as excited as Rose was upon hearing the news that his star player suffered a fractured eyesocket.

“It’s definitely disheartening,” Hoiberg told reporters.

Rookie coach Hoiberg, upon hearing the news of Rose’s fractured face.

“Our best player gets injured in the first practice of training camp and now he’s going to be out for two, three weeks. Sure, Derrick’s one step closer to achieving his personal dream, but what does it do for the team? Nothing.”

Deflategate Duo Reinstated by NFL, Immediately Given Pay Raises by Patriots Organization

Patriots fans rejoice!

On Wednesday afternoon the NFL reinstated Patriots equipment assistant John Jastremski and officials locker room attendant Jim McNally. The dynamic duo had been suspended without pay by the Patriots since early May for their roles in Deflategate, a controversy that stemmed from improperly inflated balls during the 2015 AFC Championship Game.

One of ten balls found to be improperly inflated during the 2015 AFC Championship Game.

Jastremski and McNally were seen walking into Gillette Stadium shortly after the news broke, where they were greeted with high fives and fist bumps from multiple New England Patriots players, including star quarterback Tom Brady.

McNally, pictured here, goes to receive a high five from QB Tom Brady.

At 5 p.m. EST, the pair joined Patriots owner Robert Kraft for a press conference where an exuberant Kraft welcomed back his two favorite employees.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am, and the Patriots organization as a whole, to have these two back working at Gillette Stadium.”

“John and Jim have helped us win a lottttttttt of games these past few years, and so I was very disappointed to have to suspend them during the witch hunt that was the Deflategate investigation.”

So,” said Kraft, as he directed his gaze towards the two grown men seated to his right, “in order to make up for the lost time, I’m happy to announce that Jim McNally and John Jastremski will both be receiving substantial pay raises for their excellent work in the past, and hopefully in the future.”

Kraft ended the press conference by hugging each man separately, appearing to whisper the line “Thanks for taking one for the team” into McNally’s ear.

**For inquisitive Patriots fans, McNally and Jastremski will be back on the field Sunday September 27th, when the Patriots host the Jacksonville Jaguars**

Chicago Cubs Advising Fans to Bring Batting Helmets, Catching Gear for Protection

A Sunday afternoon game between the Chicago Cubs and the visiting Atlanta Braves took an ugly turn in the first inning when a female fan was struck in the head by an errant foul ball.

Thankfully the fan was conscious as she was transported to a nearby hospital.

The line drive off the bat of Cubs rookie Kyle Schwarber appeared to strike the woman on the left side of her head. Medical personnel quickly rushed to the fan’s aid and transported her to a local Chicago hospital.

Play resumed after a ten minute break, but sure enough one inning later another fan was struck, this time by the wooden bat of Cubs second baseman Addison Russell.

On Tuesday, Cubs general manager Jed Hoyer addressed the alarming trend of fans being struck by both baseballs & baseball bats, and offered advice to fans visiting Wrigley Field.

“Fan safety is one of our highest priorities; we want fans to feel safe watching the game they love. That being said, we cannot control where a baseball or baseball bat may end up during the course of a game, so it’s imperative that fans come prepared to the game,” said a concerned Hoyer.

“I’m imploring every fan in attendance to wear a batting helmet, along with full-body catching gear, in order to protect themselves from blistering foul balls and jagged, broken baseball bats.”

Additionally, for a short time we will be selling batting helmets and catching gear outside stadium gates, so I encourage each and every fan to purchase one of each. Catching gear may be bought for $100 a set, and helmets $50 each.”

A first look at the batting helmets soon to be on sale outside Wrigley Field.

NFL To Begin Testing for Hallucinogens This Upcoming Season

Today the NFL announced that it will begin testing players and coaches for hallucinogens this upcoming season.

The league, which already conducts strict testing for HGH, marijuana, and amphetamines, began considering adding hallucinogens to the list back in 2012 following Joe Flacco‘s assertion that he was ‘the best QB in the league‘.

The Ravens Joe Flacco isn’t shy to voice his opinion on who’s number one.

The quarterback’s asinine statement stirred up a wide debate on who the best quarterback in the league actually was, but also created speculation among NFL officials that players might be taking hallucinogens such as LSD (pictured below), peyote, and PCP.

Three years of extensive research seemed to solidify the league’s initial opinion, and the ridiculous claims this offseason from multiple players finally tipped the scale, as hallucinogen testing will commence this September.

Players suspected of using mind-altering drugs include:

  1. Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins QB – Recently stated that he was the best quarterback in the league, a few months after being benched for gunslinger Colt McCoy                                                                                 
  2. Eli Manning, New York Giants QB – Reportedly wants to be the highest-paid player in the National Football League a year after leading the New York Giants to an impressive 6-10 record                                                                                
  3. Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks QB – Requested a yearly salary that would pay him more than league MVP Aaron Rodgers after throwing the game-sealing pick in Super Bowl 49, and is remaining abstinent until marriage (NEED I SAY MORE!!)                                                          

James Harden’s Feet Apparently Worth $200 Million

The battle to sign NBA superstar James Harden to a new shoe deal is over.

On Thursday afternoon the Rockets shooting guard signed a lucrative contract with Adidas worth a staggering $200 million dollars, a number that exceeds the GDP of several small nations such as Tuvalu, Kiribati, and the Marshall Islands. The shoe deal runs all the way through the year 2028, and will actually pay Harden more annually than his current salary with the Houston Rockets.

The Houston sharpshooter officially signed with Adidas this past Thursday.

Additionally, a signature basketball shoe and apparel line will be designed specifically for Harden, which was one of the main factors that prompted him to switch from NIKE to Adidas.

Although, with great power (or in this case millions of dollars $$$) comes great responsibility, and as such James will have to adhere to a host of various contract stipulations including:

  • He may only wear Adidas brand shoes for the next 13 years; any non-Adidas shoes worn will immediately void said contract
  • At all times an Adidas logo must be visible on Harden’s clothing
  • When speaking with the media Harden must name-drop ‘Adidas’ into every other sentence; preferably every sentence though
  • Harden is forbidden from saying the following words: NIKE, Under Armour, Reebok
  • Harden must tweet, Instagram, or post a Facebook status referencing Adidas three to five times per week; five to seven times during the holiday season
  • And lastly, Harden must sleep with Adidas socks on; this is non-negotiable